Work Scum

2006-12-06T08:18:00.000-08:00

An anonymous reader imparted this lovely dialogue to Work Scum. Working in media sales for a British company, he lays claim to "the fussiest, most anal workplace on the face of this hideous, bureaucratic planet". Slow down, tiger. He also advises me that this script is vastly reduced compared to the actual event. Yowza.

MANAGER: So I'm opening the floor to any suggestions about our new work strategy. Any thoughts?
ANON: Yeah I have suggestions. Since we're all going to be working late to try and meet target, why doesn't the company provide some pizza, or muffins, or something to keep us happy and motivated? Blood sugar always speeds my work up.

(nods of assent from sales reps)

MANAGER: Muffins...interesting, interesting...Yes, Cheryl?
FLOOR MANAGER CHERYL: Mmm, I don't know if this is really my department, there are a lot of issues here we need to discuss. Firstly, Bob, what about the company budget?
BOB FROM FINANCE: I can't possibly comment on that without knowing the exact cost and quantity of these muffins. Also, would the muffins be on a merit or motivational basis? It would be cheaper just to give them out once the targets have been met.
ANOTHER MIDDLE MANAGER: But once the targets have been met there's no need for motivational muffins! Might as well save money and not bother.

(laughter)

MANAGER: Settle down, settle down...a graver issue here is how strong a causal link we can establish between the providing of muffins and the attaining of our targets. If we're to take this step we need to be able to prove that muffins will have a direct effect on our productivity.
YET ANOTHER MIDDLE MANAGER: I believe there's a lot of conflicting evidence on this case.
FLOOR MANAGER CHERYL: But what if word gets around that the [sales] team have muffins? We might be accused of discriminatory practises if we don't provide muffins to workers regardless of which team they belong to. And what about the safety issues involved?
MIDDLE MANAGER: Quite right, we have dietary requirements to worry about, peanut allergies, lactose intolerance. Is anyone in sales lactose intolerant? We could get sued.
FLOOR MANAGER CHERYL: Not to mention the impact this could have on our diversity policy. How do we ensure our muffins are both kosher and halal? Oh god, what if Muslim employees don't want to eat kosher muffins? We don't want to insult anybody.
MANAGER: I think this is too big an issue to be resolved now. It's in the minutes in any case and [Anon] if you want to put together a quick presentation detailing these aspects of your proposal, we'd be delighted to hear it at next week's meeting.

We salute you, Anonymous! Fair readers, if you have a workplace more pedantic than that then YOU deserve the muffins even more. Send your tales of working woe to workscum@gmail.com

Yours,

The Office Devil

2006-11-18T15:05:00.000-08:00

Our first tale of work scum comes from Jen, who whiles away her days in telesales. She writes:

I admit it, I hound people over the phone for a living, selling computer equipment and junk. It wouldnt be so bad if our system wasnt stupidly out of date. The system that autodials phone numbers for us is so shitty that it doesnt register when you try to delete someone from the list. This means me and the other employees end up repeatedly phoning the same angry, angry people every day.

I told you yesterday we dont need any fucking toner! someone told me today.

Are you retarded? someone asked last week. I have told you a billion times to remove us from your mailing list, they ranted.

Weve told the boss over and over again that the system needs fixing but he doesnt seem to care that we get cussed at all day. I actually had to get my friend who works at [xxx] to buy some toner so I could make target this month. I feel like Im not in telesales, Im just a professional abusee!!

I suspect that there will be more tales of managerial incompetence to come... If you, dear reader, also get abused for a living then the Office Devil would like to hear from you.

2006-11-02T01:09:00.000-08:00

Welcome, one and all: embittered graduates, abused interns and cubicle monkeys wondering where it all went wrong. This blog is dedicated to you. Did you slog for years at university only to be rewarded with a job that could be ably performed by a silverback gorilla? As a child, did you dream of glittering stardom or writing books, but now find yourself pushing papers for a company you do not give a fart about? Maybe you are a casualty of the intern system: working for free for stuck-up employers because you’re desperate to build up your CV. If so, you’ve come to the right place.

Together, we will expose employers who treat their interns like old cheese and commiserate over how we ended up tinkering with databases for a mediocre salary. If you have a horror story from your internship, job or job-hunting experiences then send them to me and the best will be posted on Work Scum. And if you have an idea for how you think the site should develop, then just let me know.

We might be pushing papers now, but we will rise again!

Yours truly,

The Office Devil