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| Wednesday, December 06, 2006 |
An anonymous reader imparted this lovely dialogue to Work Scum. Working in media sales for a British company, he lays claim to "the fussiest, most anal workplace on the face of this hideous, bureaucratic planet". Slow down, tiger. He also advises me that this script is vastly reduced compared to the actual event. Yowza.
MANAGER: So I'm opening the floor to any suggestions about our new work strategy. Any thoughts?
ANON: Yeah I have suggestions. Since we're all going to be working late to try and meet target, why doesn't the company provide some pizza, or muffins, or something to keep us happy and motivated? Blood sugar always speeds my work up.
(nods of assent from sales reps)
MANAGER: Muffins...interesting, interesting...Yes, Cheryl?
FLOOR MANAGER CHERYL: Mmm, I don't know if this is really my department, there are a lot of issues here we need to discuss. Firstly, Bob, what about the company budget?
BOB FROM FINANCE: I can't possibly comment on that without knowing the exact cost and quantity of these muffins. Also, would the muffins be on a merit or motivational basis? It would be cheaper just to give them out once the targets have been met.
ANOTHER MIDDLE MANAGER: But once the targets have been met there's no need for motivational muffins! Might as well save money and not bother.
(laughter)
MANAGER: Settle down, settle down...a graver issue here is how strong a causal link we can establish between the providing of muffins and the attaining of our targets. If we're to take this step we need to be able to prove that muffins will have a direct effect on our productivity.
YET ANOTHER MIDDLE MANAGER: I believe there's a lot of conflicting evidence on this case.
FLOOR MANAGER CHERYL: But what if word gets around that the [sales] team have muffins? We might be accused of discriminatory practises if we don't provide muffins to workers regardless of which team they belong to. And what about the safety issues involved?
MIDDLE MANAGER: Quite right, we have dietary requirements to worry about, peanut allergies, lactose intolerance. Is anyone in sales lactose intolerant? We could get sued.
FLOOR MANAGER CHERYL: Not to mention the impact this could have on our diversity policy. How do we ensure our muffins are both kosher and halal? Oh god, what if Muslim employees don't want to eat kosher muffins? We don't want to insult anybody.
MANAGER: I think this is too big an issue to be resolved now. It's in the minutes in any case and [Anon] if you want to put together a quick presentation detailing these aspects of your proposal, we'd be delighted to hear it at next week's meeting.
We salute you, Anonymous! Fair readers, if you have a workplace more pedantic than that then YOU deserve the muffins even more. Send your tales of working woe to workscum@gmail.com
Yours,
The Office Devil |
posted by Office Devil @ 8:18 AM   |
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Name: The Office Devil
Home: Faceless & Evil Ltd.
About Me: Will work for food.
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